Being a working mother is a serious balancing act. Sometimes there's just not enough time in the day (or enough wine in the northern hemisphere) to get it all done before having to start over again. But fear not, working mommies of the cyber world, as I will now share some time-saving tips that are sure to lighten your load... of laundry.
1. If you don't do it already, start peeing in the shower. We all know that your bladder is wrecked after pushing 8 pounds of child from your hoo-ha, so eliminating one bathroom trip a day will surely add 90 seconds back to your daily life.
2. Speaking of showers, I was going to recommend purchasing a two-in-one shampoo & conditioner combo to save you another 90 seconds, but seriously, those work about as well as your bladder does now. So I say skip it all together. When people start to wonder why your hair is greasier than those Jersey Shore brats, you can tell them you are boycotting shampoo in order to free Tibet. You will look smart AND compassionate. Or maybe just greasy...
3. Start pumping gas BEFORE you go into the station to buy that bottle of cab you are going to drink tonight. Alone. In its entirety.
4. While you're at it, you might as well just drink straight from the bottle. One less glass to clean.
5. Do dishes WHILE you cook. Or just make your husband do them.
6. Wear the same thing to work. Every day. This will save you countless minutes from standing naked in your closet wondering two things: "What on earth am I going to wear today and WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY ASS???"
*bonus: this will significantly cut back the amount of laundry you have to do, and your coworkers will eventually stop talking to you & asking you to do menial tasks on the job once the smell kicks in.
Now that you have all this extra time on your hands, you might as well pick up an extra bottle of cab at the gas station, because you might be spending that extra time trying to forget the fact that you could fry bacon in your hair or that you smell like you just got back from Woodstock. Just don't forget to pump the gas first! Cheers!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Judgement Day
I was thinking recently about all the things I do for my son to make him happy and keep him healthy-- I buy a particular brand of snack, use cloth diapers, or let him watch an educational television show. And that's when it dawns on me... a mother doesn't do these things for her children-- she does these things in order from preventing herself from sticking her head in the oven while baking those organic, vegan, gluten-free cookies. Cookie jar? Try the Bell Jar. This is exactly the reason why I wake up one morning on the floor of a hallway being frowned upon by the Virgin Mary...
Virtually anything we mothers do or say for the sake of our children's well-being actually contains a hidden undertone. For example...
While at the bank: "No, I'm sorry, my son can't have a lollipop because I try to limit his sugar intake". What I meant to say was "Are you freaking kidding me?! Who's going to wipe up the sticky mess all over the backseat of my car and then wrestle the remains of a slobbery stick out of my son's hair? Unless you're planning on sending a cleaning crew through that little tube with my deposit slip, stop offering my child candy like the creeper parked outside in the van."
While in the car: "Oh yeah, the portable dvd player has really made long car trips more enjoyable for my son, he's so much happier". This translates to "Oh yeah, the portable dvd player has really made long car trips more enjoyable for me, there's far less screaming".
While doing arts & crafts: "Of course I let him color on the floor & the wall... I don't want to hamper his artistic expression" means "I am too tired to give a fuck".
During snack time: "Those little organic snack pouches are great, I can give him a healthy snack anywhere and don't have to worry about him choking". What I meant to say was "You mean he can eat unsupervised AND I don't have to do dishes afterwards? Can I buy these in bulk? I'll take 400".
While playing at the park: "Exercise is very important, so we try to let him play outside every day in order to establish good habits" REALLY means "Mommy's sleep is very important, and if we don't wear him the crap out at the park every day mommy might go postal and end up on America's Most Wanted".
While watching his favorite show: "Of course I let him watch Sesame Street, it's highly educational. After all, I watched Sesame Street as a child and started reading when I was 3". This translates to "WHERE THE (expletive) IS THE REMOTE?! HOLDEN GET OFF THE TABLE! MOMMY'S PUTTING ELMO ON! HOLDEN GET DOOOWWWNN!!!!"
While visiting grandparents: "It will be good for him to see his grandparents this weekend, he loves them so much and really needs to spend some quality time with them". What I meant to say was "Ben! We have free babysitters this weekend! We are getting HAMMERED!"
While coming back to grandparent's house after getting hammered: "Let's not disturb the baby, he's tired and really needs his sleep. We can sleep elsewhere" actually means "If we open that door he's going to wake up and I am in no state to care for a screaming child right now because my head is POUNDING. Screw it, let's just sleep here".
And that my friends is how I found myself curled up on the floor the next morning... beside my husband... in the hallway. Had we actually sacrificed our own night's sleep for the sake of our child? Absolutely not. Waking our sleeping son was a fate far worse than passing out drunk in a hallway. Although upon waking in the morning, my first sight was that of Mary, hanging in a frame on my mother-in-law's wall. I felt her judgement, as she had clearly seen the aftermath of my and my husband's debauchery. You'd think as a mother she'd get it... we all say or do one thing and mean another. But hey, at least I'm not the one claiming to be a virgin.
Virtually anything we mothers do or say for the sake of our children's well-being actually contains a hidden undertone. For example...
While at the bank: "No, I'm sorry, my son can't have a lollipop because I try to limit his sugar intake". What I meant to say was "Are you freaking kidding me?! Who's going to wipe up the sticky mess all over the backseat of my car and then wrestle the remains of a slobbery stick out of my son's hair? Unless you're planning on sending a cleaning crew through that little tube with my deposit slip, stop offering my child candy like the creeper parked outside in the van."
While in the car: "Oh yeah, the portable dvd player has really made long car trips more enjoyable for my son, he's so much happier". This translates to "Oh yeah, the portable dvd player has really made long car trips more enjoyable for me, there's far less screaming".
While doing arts & crafts: "Of course I let him color on the floor & the wall... I don't want to hamper his artistic expression" means "I am too tired to give a fuck".
During snack time: "Those little organic snack pouches are great, I can give him a healthy snack anywhere and don't have to worry about him choking". What I meant to say was "You mean he can eat unsupervised AND I don't have to do dishes afterwards? Can I buy these in bulk? I'll take 400".
While playing at the park: "Exercise is very important, so we try to let him play outside every day in order to establish good habits" REALLY means "Mommy's sleep is very important, and if we don't wear him the crap out at the park every day mommy might go postal and end up on America's Most Wanted".
While watching his favorite show: "Of course I let him watch Sesame Street, it's highly educational. After all, I watched Sesame Street as a child and started reading when I was 3". This translates to "WHERE THE (expletive) IS THE REMOTE?! HOLDEN GET OFF THE TABLE! MOMMY'S PUTTING ELMO ON! HOLDEN GET DOOOWWWNN!!!!"
While visiting grandparents: "It will be good for him to see his grandparents this weekend, he loves them so much and really needs to spend some quality time with them". What I meant to say was "Ben! We have free babysitters this weekend! We are getting HAMMERED!"
While coming back to grandparent's house after getting hammered: "Let's not disturb the baby, he's tired and really needs his sleep. We can sleep elsewhere" actually means "If we open that door he's going to wake up and I am in no state to care for a screaming child right now because my head is POUNDING. Screw it, let's just sleep here".
And that my friends is how I found myself curled up on the floor the next morning... beside my husband... in the hallway. Had we actually sacrificed our own night's sleep for the sake of our child? Absolutely not. Waking our sleeping son was a fate far worse than passing out drunk in a hallway. Although upon waking in the morning, my first sight was that of Mary, hanging in a frame on my mother-in-law's wall. I felt her judgement, as she had clearly seen the aftermath of my and my husband's debauchery. You'd think as a mother she'd get it... we all say or do one thing and mean another. But hey, at least I'm not the one claiming to be a virgin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)