I had a conversation tonight with someone who made me think about what happens when you become a parent... where does your old life go? Does it die and go to heaven? Get lost in the ether? Perhaps it's just taking a break in the Bahamas. Well, I can't really answer that question because all the things that make me ME are still there... I'm still an indie-rock-loving vegan who often forgets to brush her hair that has an incredible soft spot for hand-knit scarves and cheap red wine. But it is also true that I haven't been on a date with my husband in over eight months, haven't been to a happy hour in over a year, and can no longer fit my boobs in to any of my old bras. You would at least think that last one would be a perk, no pun intended, but my boobs aren't so much bigger as they are just shaped differently. Sigh.
But those things pale in comparison to the joy my son brings. Now, I'm not the mom who sugar coats my reality in the defense of motherhood perfection... yes, I would love an excuse to actually put on makeup & there are times where I am ready to throw up the white flag, but motherhood is complicated. It's frustrating & dirty & tiring. But it's also humbling & hilarious & sincere.
Not only does your life change, but the world itself changes. Once you put on those mommy glasses, everything grows fangs and claws... the world becomes seemingly dangerous. Before my son's birth, I had not one maternal bone in my body. I would have rather swallowed diaper pins than spend an afternoon with someone who couldn't use toilet paper, let alone "use their words". But once I saw my son for the first time, I immediately felt an intense, primal instinct to protect him. I still do, and I find myself getting offended when people talk about children as if they were cockroaches. I had someone who always said to me, "You don't have kids, so you don't understand." That would irritate me to the moon and back... of COURSE I didn't understand! How could I have? So I try to extend a courtesy to people that they really DON'T get it and not fault them for something they haven't experienced. But when I see snarky things online about kids at the pool or babies chewing on merchandise at stores my inner mama bear starts to stir. I've been on both sides of the equation, and personally, I like being on this one. The moments of pure & innocent joy from a child more than make up for the moments of dirty diapers and lost sleep.
Nothing will teach you to live in the moment like having a baby, because that's all a baby has-- the present. One minute you are living on sunshine & unicorns... and then you pull your head out of the rainbow because your sweet little angel has morphed into an inconsolable gremlin who wants nothing to do with you and all you want is a cocktail but you can't have one because it's only 3 o'clock in the afternoon and good mommies read to their children instead of making gin and tonics so you rock your gremlin side to side and get a bottle thrown in your face while singing Yellow Submarine because let's face it you're no John or Paul or George or Ringo and your gremlin KNOWS it because otherwise if you were he wouldn't be screaming because all John was saying was give peace a god damn chance and now all you can do is cry with your gremlin because you're exhausted and that's when you realize... you're gremlin is no longer crying... he is fast asleep in your arms. So you put him in his crib, look down at that sleeping baby and say to yourself, "what an angel". And that's only something a mother could understand.
