In honor of the holidays (and me FINALLY cleaning out my purse... ick!) I give you the deviant's first vlog. Cheers!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Rock and Role
Someone recently commented to me about all the different roles women take upon themselves & those cast upon them by society... the word "mother" alone stirs up poignant & respectable titles such as nurse, teacher, & giver, to name a few. But let's get real here, this deviant's blog is neither poignant nor respectable, so I have comprised a short list of roles I throw down on a daily basis...
1. Professional Wrestler. This is a more recent development, as now my child insists on trying out for the Chinese Olympic Gymnastics Team every time I change his diaper. He flips, kicks, and somersaults his way out of my grasp, so I am left pinning him down by his ankles as he successfully hurdles a poop-filled diaper onto the floor. Thanks kid, go for the gold.
2. Napkin. I have completely given up on wipes & rags. Time is of the essence if I don't want broccoli & blueberries smeared all over my walls, so I have been known to use my sleeve or the hem of my dress to wipe my son's face.
3. Chauffeur. If I'm not at home, I am most likely driving Holden to the doctor. Or a playdate. Or the library. Okay, I'm probably at Target, but still, it's not like he can use his walker to get where he needs to go (check back with me in a few months on this... it's a work in progress). Needless to say I've become used to having conversations with someone in the backseat... who doesn't even respond. By the time he's old enough to sit in the front seat, he probably won't want to anyways. And I have a feeling he will still be ignoring me...
4. Lunch lady. Remember when you were a kid waiting in line in the school cafeteria? And you got really excited about tater tots or pizza? Remember when all that excitement came crashing down the second the lunch lady threw something on your tray that more closely resembled someone's liver than a burger? That, right there.... that look on your face. Expect to see that same look staring back at you on a daily basis for the next year of your life every time you make your kid lunch. The lunch lady role inevitably leads to the next item on our list....
5. Salesman. You will find yourself saying things like, "Okay, I have a really sweet deal for you. Now, I don't do this for just anybody, but if you eat your peas, I will throw in some fresh cut apples, free of charge! How does that sound? Amazing! Am I right?" Prepare yourself for a lot of rejection and hard bargaining.
6. Private Investigator. I can't count how many times I have had to search for a missing puzzle piece or blue mega block. This gets old fast, but the good news is that it forces you to look under your couch, where you may find some spare change if you're lucky. If you're not so lucky you may find a dead bug & some fur balls which cause you to launch a full-scale cleaning operation. Let's hope for the spare change.
7. Musician. Did I mention the lullabies yet? Free concerts... my house... nightly at bedtime. Be there.
8. Coat rack. Gone are the days of just using a purse to go anywhere. It is now necessary to load up my arms with not only my purse, but a diaper bag, my sweater, my son's hoodie, his lunch box, any shopping bags I may have accumulated, and my car keys. All while balancing a kid on my hip. This does not include juggling a cell phone or a cup of coffee. I don't know about you, but I put a lot of stuff on my coat rack.
9. Magician. This is an all-inclusive title... whether it's sawing your budget in half (instead of sawing a lady, that is... although sometimes I swear my head is splitting), making your kid's food disappear (did he really eat it or just feed it to the dogs again?), or pulling a stuffed rabbit out of a hat... or out from between your kid's legs (okay, maybe my kid is the only one that feels the urge to shove every toy on the face of the planet in his crotch, but you get the idea). And I swear it has to be magic, because otherwise I just don't know how it all gets done.
1. Professional Wrestler. This is a more recent development, as now my child insists on trying out for the Chinese Olympic Gymnastics Team every time I change his diaper. He flips, kicks, and somersaults his way out of my grasp, so I am left pinning him down by his ankles as he successfully hurdles a poop-filled diaper onto the floor. Thanks kid, go for the gold.
2. Napkin. I have completely given up on wipes & rags. Time is of the essence if I don't want broccoli & blueberries smeared all over my walls, so I have been known to use my sleeve or the hem of my dress to wipe my son's face.
3. Chauffeur. If I'm not at home, I am most likely driving Holden to the doctor. Or a playdate. Or the library. Okay, I'm probably at Target, but still, it's not like he can use his walker to get where he needs to go (check back with me in a few months on this... it's a work in progress). Needless to say I've become used to having conversations with someone in the backseat... who doesn't even respond. By the time he's old enough to sit in the front seat, he probably won't want to anyways. And I have a feeling he will still be ignoring me...4. Lunch lady. Remember when you were a kid waiting in line in the school cafeteria? And you got really excited about tater tots or pizza? Remember when all that excitement came crashing down the second the lunch lady threw something on your tray that more closely resembled someone's liver than a burger? That, right there.... that look on your face. Expect to see that same look staring back at you on a daily basis for the next year of your life every time you make your kid lunch. The lunch lady role inevitably leads to the next item on our list....
5. Salesman. You will find yourself saying things like, "Okay, I have a really sweet deal for you. Now, I don't do this for just anybody, but if you eat your peas, I will throw in some fresh cut apples, free of charge! How does that sound? Amazing! Am I right?" Prepare yourself for a lot of rejection and hard bargaining.
6. Private Investigator. I can't count how many times I have had to search for a missing puzzle piece or blue mega block. This gets old fast, but the good news is that it forces you to look under your couch, where you may find some spare change if you're lucky. If you're not so lucky you may find a dead bug & some fur balls which cause you to launch a full-scale cleaning operation. Let's hope for the spare change.
7. Musician. Did I mention the lullabies yet? Free concerts... my house... nightly at bedtime. Be there.
8. Coat rack. Gone are the days of just using a purse to go anywhere. It is now necessary to load up my arms with not only my purse, but a diaper bag, my sweater, my son's hoodie, his lunch box, any shopping bags I may have accumulated, and my car keys. All while balancing a kid on my hip. This does not include juggling a cell phone or a cup of coffee. I don't know about you, but I put a lot of stuff on my coat rack.
9. Magician. This is an all-inclusive title... whether it's sawing your budget in half (instead of sawing a lady, that is... although sometimes I swear my head is splitting), making your kid's food disappear (did he really eat it or just feed it to the dogs again?), or pulling a stuffed rabbit out of a hat... or out from between your kid's legs (okay, maybe my kid is the only one that feels the urge to shove every toy on the face of the planet in his crotch, but you get the idea). And I swear it has to be magic, because otherwise I just don't know how it all gets done.
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