If I only had a Brain

In the words of Bill Cosby Himself, "My wife & I used to be intellectuals"...

I graduated from Business School with a BSBA in Marketing and a 3.4 GPA.  I would often find myself meandering in art galleries or participating in heated discussions about religion & politics.  I always kept my journal at an arm's length and a book in my messenger bag.  Nowadays, the only degrees that matter in this house are on the thermostat. The last piece of artwork I saw was a pumpkin hand-painted by a child (painted orange, nonetheless). My heated discussions consist of breast or bottle.  The only thing I have time to write is a grocery list, and my messenger bag has been traded in for a diaper bag, complete with the literary work titled "Hello Giraffe". 
Is it any wonder then that tonight I found myself putting vaginal cream on my toothbrush?  This remarkable phenomenon of deteriorating intellect is known as Mommy Brain (MB).  Since the day I found out I was pregnant, my brain cells began popping like bubble wrap.  This was evidenced by the fact that I checked my calculator for missed calls at the office, and when I sent a fax through the copying machine.  Six hundred copies of an invoice later, I had noticed a pattern.
I understood that in order to grow a human from scratch, sacrifices had to be made.  But I was wholly unprepared for the brain damage I would incur as a result.  I figured the lapses in judgement would subside postpartum... until the morning that I found myself haphazardly putting coffee in my son's bottle.  Or the afternoon that I violated my refrigerator trying to make the George Foreman Grill fit on the bottom shelf.  Or the time that I replaced the cap on the Pedialyte with a bottle nipple and placed it back in the fridge. 
I know I am not alone in my diagnoses of MB... I have several girlfriends who are also stymied by this condition.  The other day I received a text from one of my mommy friends, apologizing for dropping out of our conversation because she placed her cell phone in the cereal cabinet.  Another put oatmeal in her rice cooker instead of, well, rice.  Even my husband has been found guilty of stashing the remote in the freezer.
Symptoms of MB include the inability to form complete sentences, severe bouts of butter fingers, and heavy consumption of caffeinated beverages.  While there is no cure for MB, there are steps you can take to alleviate the pain.  Talk to your local grocer about which wine is best for you.  Side effects can cause deep relaxation or unintentional sex with your husband. Do not use wine while operating heavy machinery, if you are attending a 12 step program, or are completely unprepared for baby number two. Or three. Or four.